Alright kids, this isn’t your mother’s top-ten-movies-of-2009 list, this is my list. I’m not going to include all the excess crap the mainstream media includes in their lists. To think those bastards over at MovieFone have a top fifty movies list – I could barely think of ten that I enjoyed watching, let alone fifty. The bottom line: 90 percent of “top movie” lists you’ll find out there are the corporate pushovers who want to bend over (forward) for the corporate elite in Hollywood. Well search no further, I give you the top ten movies of 2009.

1. Inglourious Basterds

Obviously I’m not counting down from ten because that’s stupid. Why would you put the best movie at the bottom of the list? Screw suspense. Inglourious Basterds belongs on the top because it is the best movie that was produced in 2009. In most of Tarantino’s movies you get either some amazing characters (Kill Bill) or some pretty interesting plotlines (Jackie Brown, Kill Bill Vol. 2) but never, since Pulp Fiction has Tarantino delivered both in such an amazing fashion as he does in Inglourious Basterds. The fact that most of the cast of the movie hasn’t acted in any widely recognized film before it makes it an even more impressive movie. Christoph Waltz (pictured above) does an amazing job of playing an S.S. Colonel rivaling the Basterds in the movie. Aside from the entertainment value on top, the movie is chock full of subtle references, homages and some not so subtle satires of other films and media, making it the most creative film of 2009. If you’ve already seen the movie and still don’t understand why it’s the best of 2009, you’re probably not smart enough to ever understand even if someone were to explain it to you; you should probably go watch Transformers. Inglourious Basterds gets 10/10.

2. Star Trek

Having never been a fan of the TV show (or the culture surrounding it), I went to the theater with low expectations for this movie. Oddly enough, (because movies are rarely impressive anymore) Star Trek proved to be, arguably, the most unexpectedly impressive film of 2009. With its amateur cast and amateur director, it’s a wonder that Star Trek ended up being such a great film.  Aside from the expert cast and story, the musical score in the film is excellently composed, it provides the perfect backdrop for every action and drama scene alike. The special effects are also amazing in Star Trek, but unlike notably shitty films such as Avatar and Transformers, Star Trek puts the story and characters BEFORE the special effects, making for a nice balance of CGI and acting skills. For this, Star Trek also gets a 10/10, but even though it gets the same score as Inglourious Basterds, it ranks number 2 because Basterds obviously did a lot more with a lot less.

3. Invictus

Two words define this movie: Morgan Freeman. As if Morgan Freeman’s acting wasn’t enough, Clint Eastwood directed the film to spin it perfectly. It’s also nice to see Matt Damon doing a decent job of acting in a movie without being an overbearing ass like in some of his other movies. For a biopic, Invictus is a great film. For a sports movie, Invictus is just decent. However, viewers of Invictus need to recognize that it’s not a sports movie (despite lots of rugby being present), it’s a movie about Nelson Mandela.  I don’t think Eastwood will be getting any best director awards for this one (compared to his other works), but it’s definitely one of the best films that came out in 2009. Invictus gets 9/10.

4. Zombieland

I don’t have too much to say about Zombieland. It’s got a great cast for the movie’s purposes (and a great cameo in the movie, at that) and a great soundtrack to top it off. When there isn’t a kickass shooting scene happening in this movie, brandishing Woody Harrelson in all his badassery, there’s some hilarious spoof of zombie mythology. I’ve seen a lot of people compare Zombieland to Sean of the Dead but overall they’re two different types of films. Zombieland definitely surpasses Sean of the Dead in terms of action, but Sean of the Dead holds well in comedy still. Zombieland gets 9/10.

5. Up

A lot of my readers are probably going to be pissed at me for including Up on my top 10 list, but this movie rightfully deserves its recognition. As always, Pixar delivers above-par animation and editing with Up, but that’s not why it’s on the top 10. Think of Up as the kid friendly version of Gran Torino. It delivers a subtle yet biting description of today’s society and how much it sucks, but it also has a unique main character. For curmudgeonly old men, Carl Fredricksen in Up is the best of 2009.  Although not quite as powerful as Wall-E, Up provides a decent view of how much the world sucks (am I repeating myself?). Up gets 8/10.

6-10. Click here

Yeah, that’s right, those were the only five movies worth listing as “top movies” of 2009. I’m not forgetting Avatar either. If you think Avatar matches up or surpasses the other films in anything aside from special effects, you’re probably not astute enough to recognize what films are actually made up of. That’s that. Send me all your hate mail and comments now. I look forward to reading them.