I could provide any number of introductions to this post. I could provide some confirmation that it is indeed the “first” post I’ve made in a while. I could say it’s good to be “back.” But I’ll simply satiate any curiosity by saying I have returned from my extended leave to Antigua. I have no further commentary on the matter.

Or is it there????

So Team Fortress2 has been ported to Macs! PC users and Mac users will be playing TF2 together. Finally, PC users and Mac users can unite under the tremendous force of the Steam gaming platform in their continuous efforts to virtually butcher their online brethren in the highly inconsequential and extremely fruitless (but somehow satisfying) onslaught known as Team Fortress 2. Right?

Wrong. (That’s right. Bold and italics, motherfucker.)

There are countless reasons that provide for the impossibility of PC users and Mac users uniting (yes, even over TF2). The obvious reason is that human nature simply won’t allow such an armistice—but that’s a bunch of boring philosophical stuff. Let’s look at the real reasons. Let’s look at what the tumorous growth now known as the TF2 Mac community means for PC users that (used to) enjoy TF2.

First off, most Mac users are, for the lack of a more concise description, stupid. Alright, I admit that Apple isn’t quite as no-holds-barred as GEICO is with their “So easy a caveman can do it” advertising, but they’re getting there. Macs are advertised as being “easy to use.” In other words, no matter how stupid you are, no matter how disgustingly comprehensive an options menu bodes for you, a Mac is right for you. Fairly, though, if you’re not convinced of Macs’ subordinate status by now, you’re welcome to read countless articles that eloquently and thoroughly explain the matter by simply Googling the golden phrase: “PC better than Mac.”

For those Mac users in the audience, this influx of stupid players into the TF2 community means that…well…it means there’s going to be an influx of stupid players into the TF2 community. (Yes, stupid compared even to some of the existing players. If you thought the internet was bad already, wait until they let Apple users into it.) The number of bans per server capita will increase tenfold as server administrators face mobs, hordes of inept players.  The number of elitist clans and clan members will spike as normal players begin to (rightfully) develop a sense of superiority and (wrongfully) practice it formally. And as we all fear, the number of games where the players actually know what they’re doing will dwindle even more than it already has with Valve’s efforts to expand the community.

But this update isn’t all bad. The video that goes along with it is actually crafted particularly well. (Leave it to Valve to make a video that you somehow enjoy despite the fact that it idolizes beliefs entirely contrary to your own.) And, finally, the video gives (what one would imagine is) a glimpse of one of the upcoming Engineer weapons. In lieu of further pontification and speculation on the matter I’ll simply provide this screen capture of the aforementioned device for your own viewing and speculating pleasure as any further developments on Valve’s part may compromise the integrity of any such speculation on my part.